Intentional Statement Generator

Aug 26

Interactive Relationship Wellness Tool

Developed by Adam Eltouny, LPC

Free to use. No email, account or contact information required.

💡 How to Use This Tool

Work through each section sequentially. If you get stuck on something, see it through and don't give up! That friction is a wonderful sign because it highlights the exact area that needs more clarity and reflection. In just a few moments you'll break through, as each step flows seamlessly into your final generated statement.

Oftentimes, simply reflecting and processing a situation productively can be healing in and of itself. It is entirely possible that after this guided reflection, you will feel better right away before even saying a word to the other person!

Important Disclaimer: This tool is not a substitute for professional psychotherapy. It is an educational tool designed to be used concurrently to help facilitate therapeutic discussions with licensed mental healthcare providers.

🛡️ The Science of the "Escape Room"

The Expressor: SSS

Seated: Standing/pacing signals escalated arousal (flight mode). Sitting forces neurological grounding.
Speak Softly: High volume directly triggers the other person's amygdala (defense system).
Speak Slowly: Lowering your speaking pace keeps your prefrontal cortex online and regulated.

The Receiver: LUV

Listen: Stop preparing your defense; listen strictly to learn their reality.
Understand: Actively seek to understand their internal perspective and perception.
Validate: This is the "Safety Key" that signals to their brain they are no longer in a Boxing Ring.

This educational framework draws on research connecting conflict behavior and physiological arousal with relationship outcomes, as well as experimental work on emotional validation (Gottman & Levenson, 1992; Kuo et al., 2022).

The Raw Unfiltered Version

What do you instinctively want to say? (Get the raw, unfiltered "Boxing Ring" urge out of your system here before the exercise).

1. C - Consequence (The Emotion)

Start with "I feel..." (Single emotion words only).

⚠️ SYNTAX ALERT: Do not use "like", "that", "as though", or pronouns (you, he, she). These indicate a thought. Please move this to the Belief (B) section! Focus only on your single internal emotion word here.

2. A - Activating Event (Neutral Sensory Input)

What objective data entered your brain? (Factual sensory input only).

⚠️ WARNING: Ensure that this is an objective input of data. No meaning or interpretation lives in A! If there is interpretation, save it for the Belief (B) section below.

3. B - Belief (Interpretation)

Because it made me think/believe...

⚠️ LOCUS OF CONTROL AUDIT: You used a third-person pronoun (you, your, his, hers, they). This shifts the topic to the other person. Please review "Mind-Reading" in the checklist below to verify if you are assuming their thoughts or motives!

🛑 SCAN FOR COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS (Check all that apply):

Click any you don't know to see its definition in the running log below. This reflection is informed by the cognitive therapy tradition of identifying automatic interpretations and patterned thinking errors (Beck et al., 1979).

All-or-Nothing Thinking Overgeneralization Mental Filter Disqualifying the Positive Jumping to Conclusions Magnification & Minimization Emotional Reasoning Should Statements Labeling/Mislabeling Personalization Fortune-telling Mind-Reading Blaming Control Fallacies Fallacy of Fairness Fallacy of Change Heaven's Reward Fallacy Fallacy of Sunk Costs

🛑 SCAN FOR COGNITIVE BIASES (Check all that apply):

These are common interpersonal blind-spots that escalate or maintain conflict.

Fundamental Attribution Error Confirmation Bias Self-Serving Bias Halo/Horns Effect False Consensus Effect Negativity Bias Actor-Observer Bias Anchoring Bias

Definitions of Selected Distortions & Biases:

⚖️ The Cognitive Gauntlet

Distortions/Biases detected. Put your Original Belief through the rigorous 7-step Cognitive Gauntlet. Compare each perspective to your original belief, reflect on how it is true, and rate it.

Your Original Belief on Trial:

🔒 MIND-READING DETECTED! You have a choice to make:

Option 1 (Keep the Thought): You can choose to keep your mind-reading thought. However, your Intention at the end MUST be to verify (ask a question).
⚠️ WARNING: Choosing to keep and express an assumed thought increases the risk of a Defensive Response (one of Gottman's Four Horsemen).

Option 2 (Open The Gate): Put the thought on trial using the 7 steps below. Enter a balanced reality into the Middle Path to rectify the mind-reading and unlock all intention options!

💡 Key Insight:

By physically flipping the grammar of your thought, you practice stepping back from cognitive fusion, the tendency to experience a thought as if it were absolute fact. Rate each perspective's truth below to reduce tunnel vision and find your most balanced reality (Hayes et al., 2006).

1. Change Subject 1 (WHO is doing it) Vs. Original: "" (e.g., "I ignore me.") Reflect: In what ways does this better explain [objective facts]? Select your truth rating!

2. Change Subject 2 (WHO it is being done to) Vs. Original: "" (e.g., "They ignore themselves/their own needs.") Reflect: In what ways does this better explain [objective facts]? Select your truth rating!

3. Change Both Subjects (Swap WHO is doing it to WHOM) Vs. Original: "" (e.g., "I ignore them.") Reflect: In what ways does this better explain [objective facts]? Select your truth rating!

4. Change the Verb (WHAT is being done) Vs. Original: "" (e.g., "They pay attention to me in other ways.") Reflect: In what ways does this better explain [objective facts]? Select your truth rating!

5. Change Subject 1 & the Verb Vs. Original: "" (e.g., "I pay attention to me/my own needs.") Reflect: In what ways does this better explain [objective facts]? Select your truth rating!

6. Change Subject 2 & the Verb Vs. Original: "" (e.g., "They pay attention to themselves/their self-care.") Reflect: In what ways does this better explain [objective facts]? Select your truth rating!

7. Change All Three (Complete Inversion) Vs. Original: "" (e.g., "I pay attention to them.") Reflect: In what ways does this better explain [objective facts]? Select your truth rating!

8. The Middle Path (Your Final Puzzle Piece) ▲

Reflect on the flips above. Combine the most true and least charged perspectives into one rational reality. (Make sure your answer fits perfectly into the phrase: "Because it made me believe...")

(e.g., "...that they are currently distracted, not that they don't value my time.")

4. The Escape Room (Aspirational Flip)

What is the MUTUAL Value we both benefit from? What is the NEW feeling you desire instead of your initial negative emotion? What is the SPECIFIC Desired Outcome you want? Describe it exactly as a camera would record it happening right after the word "when". (Insight: If you don't know exactly what you want, how could your partner POSSIBLY know?)
Bad Example: "...when you are nicer." | Good Example: "...when we sit on the couch for 10 minutes and talk without our phones."

⚠️ WARNING: Ensure that this is an objective input of data. No meaning or interpretation lives here!

When this Value & Behavior are met, what does it make you believe about US?

5. Intention Statement

Reflection Feedback Log:

Escalation Level:

1st Time 2nd Time (Protect Value) 3rd+ Time (Independent Action)

Visualizing Your Progression

From the very beginning, to slightly better, to most effective.

Step 1: The Raw Urge

This is what your unfiltered survival brain instinctively wanted to say in the "Boxing Ring."

Step 2: The Baseline Expression

This is the standard I-statement. It safely communicates your pain using your original thought without attacking the other person's character, but it is still deficit-based.

"I feel when because it made me think/believe . "

✨ Step 3: Aspirational Mastery

This script flips the focus from what went wrong, to where you passionately desire to go together.

" is a value I know we both share for our relationship. I feel when because it makes me believe . "

🛑 Before You Speak: The L.U.V. Check

If you choose to express this, make sure you are receiving L.U.V.

Are they Validating you? If not, check if they Understand. If they don't understand, check if they are Listening.

If they are not listening, then it is NOT the time to express.
As painful of a piece of information as that may be, it is still useful data to take and apply accordingly as long as it is physically and emotionally safe.

📋 System Audit Feedback

Review these cognitive adjustments made during your exercise to strengthen your psychological flexibility:

References

Beck, A. T., Rush, A. J., Shaw, B. F., & Emery, G. (1979). Cognitive therapy of depression. Guilford Press.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-233. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1-25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006
Kuo, J. R., Fitzpatrick, S., Ip, J., & Uliaszek, A. A. (2022). The who and what of validation: An experimental examination of validation and invalidation of specific emotions and the moderating effect of emotion dysregulation. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 9, 15. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-022-00185-x

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